One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
