i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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