this beer tastes like vomit already
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
