DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The power of my boobs compel you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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