The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
