Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
