dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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