Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
