I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize