Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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