bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
