You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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