I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
