i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
