I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
