He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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