seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
