I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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