my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
