I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
