38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
