the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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