Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
