My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
