update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Actions speak louder than pants.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize