nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
