turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
