you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
