i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
