What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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