I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
