They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
