She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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