Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
