i permit you to call me
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
