I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
