it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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