I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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