Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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