sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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