I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
