It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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