i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
