If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
