a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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