I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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