My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
