I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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