If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize