Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
