My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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