he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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