It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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