I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
