Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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