I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
