Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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