i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
