Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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