About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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