I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
