Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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