I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
