You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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