You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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