i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
