Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
