the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
