I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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