Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize