True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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