just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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