It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
